My loves. I hope each of you are doing well. How are you adjusting to fall schedules? How are your spirits? Are you feeling Strong, Mindful and Feisty? Or are you feeling run down, overwhelmed and anxious?

In recent weeks, I noticed that I had become increasingly anxious, angry and short, and I know my family noticed too. I had been having a heck of time with stuff.

The weird thing is, I couldn’t even put my finger on it. It felt as though my body is not my own. Was this because everyone is home and I have little alone time? Was this due to the effects of perimenopause?

I was troubled by the fact that meditation and exercise didn’t seem to be helping me get to the underlying source this negative undercurrent. I knew I needed more.

The purpose of this blog post is to share with you what I did and why it worked to bring me back to a place of joy and love, instead of dread, anxiety and anger.

In an effort to reconnect, renew and restore myself (which sounds totally cheesy and you can absolutely make fun of me), I decided to take a weekend away a few weeks ago. I called it “Stephcation.”

I felt a little selfish leaving the family for a few days over a long holiday weekend, but the timing could not have been more perfect. Our family calendar had absolutely nothing on it. No games, no training, no commitments at all. So, on a whim, I hopped in the car and drove by myself to my happy place, Emerald Isle, NC.

Now, allow me to introduce you to Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, who were recently featured on Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us (I know, shocker, another BB reference). Brené interviewed Emily and Amelia, diving into their newly published book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. In their book, the sisters cite psychologist Herbert Freudenberger’s definition of burnout: 

a)     Emotional exhaustion—fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;

b)    Depersonalization—depletion of empathy, caring and compassion; and

c)     Decreased sense of accomplishments—an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes a difference. 

Holy smokes. I felt all of this and had been feeling it for months. I was done, emotionally and physically spent. Before leaving town, I wanted nothing to do with anyone and had honestly come to the end of my rope. 

In Burnout, the Nagoski sisters offer concrete tools to complete the stress cycle. Sadly, stressors will always be present, and we will always have to deal with or manage stress. The key is how we deal with stressors and move through the stress tunnel to the other side. Without even knowing it, my weekend “Stephcation” gave me opportunities to engage in all of their suggestions.

First, the book stresses that physical activity—moving your body—is the very best thing you can do to move through stress.

On the Friday evening of my weekend I went for a long walk and listened to the end of a great book, and the following morning I took advantage of a beautiful morning and went on a long, invigorating bike ride. The fresh air and physical activity alone helped refresh me. 

But there is so much more to this process. The authors also recommend breathing, and in particular deep belly breathing. Take a breath in for four seconds, making sure to fill up your belly (not your chest), pause, then breathe out for five seconds and pause again.

While I was away, I treated myself to a quiet afternoon in a rocking chair overlooking the ocean, and I most certainly engaged in some of these deep breaths. Just taking the time to focus on my breath and quiet myself in this way was restorative. I know that journaling is also a way to center myself and be in the moment, so I did some of that as well.

Emily and Amelia also list positive social interaction as one of the important tools to help complete the stress cycle. It’s great to be with friends. It’s also awesome just to be kind to someone else out in public. Compliment a store clerk or a stranger in the street.

I was lucky in that while I was away, a friend from back home was also visiting the island, so she met me and we caught up for a bit. It was lovely to hear what she is up to, chat about the kiddos, and figure out ways we can support one another once we got back home. I also spent some time on the phone with a dear friend who happened to be two hours away on a girls’ weekend.

This leads me to the next tool on the list, laughter—good old belly laughter. I Facetimed the girls for about an hour and we laughed till we cried. It was so great to connect. So good to release all that pent-up tension and frustration in laughter and tears. So good for the soul.

Speaking of tears, the authors also speak to the power of “A Big Ol’ Cry.” Have you ever had a big, nose-dripping, ugly cry and then felt better on the other side? I know when I need one, I pop on Beaches or Steel Magnolias and you bet I get out some emotions.

Crying doesn’t get rid of the stressor, but it does help to complete the stress cycle, which is our goal, after all. I promise that I didn’t cry while driving down to Emerald Isle. I saved that for a safe place when I didn’t have to navigate traffic. 

And when I returned from my “Stephcation,” I was ready to engage in the next tool on the list, affection.

Emily and Amelia describe the stress-releasing power of a 20-second hug with a trusted and loved family member or friend, or a six-second kiss with your partner. By now you can tell that my weekend away had worked wonders for me, and when I returned, I held my family members tight, absorbing the comfort of their hugs and radiating love right back to them.

Lastly, the sisters (one of whom has a doctorate in conducting and is a professor of music), underscore how potent creative expression is in helping us complete the stress cycle.

Creativity encourages the outpouring of emotion in a productive way and leads to more energy and excitement. One of the ways I’ve engaged in creative expression recently is through writing this blog. While I was away, however, I allowed myself plenty of time to read and listen to inspiring podcasts, which can be another way of engaging one’s creativity. 

It feels important to share what I did not do on my weekend away. Time was precious and I did not want it absorbed by things that would not lift me up or that could take me down a rabbit hole. Social media (the mindless scrolling) was limited to 30 minutes a day. There was no TV and especially no news. 

So how do you know when you’ve completed the stress cycle?

In Burnout, the authors write that “It’s like knowing when you’re full after a meal, or like knowing when you’ve had an orgasm. Your body tells you.” As I write this, it has been a little less than two weeks since I returned home. My energy and attitude have been consistently elevated, and I feel the best I have felt in many months, physically and emotionally.

Each day I continue to do things like exercise, breathe, laugh, create, love, and when needed, cry. My relationships have felt lighter and I approach the days with a fresh view—not dread—from the second I wake up. 

I hope that if you are feeling the same feelings of anxiousness and burnout that I was feeling, you can create a space for yourself to reset. I know how blessed I was to be able to get away. Finding the time is hard and there are a lot of demands on life these days.

My hope for you is that you are able to lean on your support system and ask for what you need so you can be heard and lifted up. Please take care of yourselves and know if there is anything SMF can do to support you, that I am here for you!

Stay Strong, Stay Mindful and Stay Feisty. XO