Good Grief

 I love Charlie Brown’s catchphrase “Good Grief.” Charlie said this whenever things went wrong in his life. This phrase conveys how I feel sometimes about the experience of life. Like when my teenager leaves a wet towel on the floor…again! Good grief!

The other day I was thinking of the Charlie Brown saying and then began to ponder whether or not there was a good type of grief.

In midlife, there seems to be a whole lot of grieving going on. (At least, this is what I am experiencing.) Some of it can be hard and overwhelming, while sometimes grief seems manageable and can just roll right off of our backs.

The most obvious reason to experience grief is due to losing loved ones. My own experience has shown me that some losses can be traumatic, while some can allow for a sense of peace. I lost both of my maternal grandparents in 2005 and 2006. While this loss was so very sad for me because I loved, adored and treasured my grandparents, I also felt a great deal of peace as they were no longer suffering from the things that made them ill in their later years. And because I was pregnant with my firstborn, I felt as if the grandparent torch had been passed and that brought me peace.

Yet, in 2015, when our family lost my sister-in-law, the grief experienced there was much deeper. With her passing, I felt rage and confusion along side the grief. She was young and there was so much we did not even know and understand about her illness until it was too late. In June 2021, we lost my father-in-law. We had only learned of his cancer diagnosis a couple of months earlier and things progressed rapidly. Last spring was a whirlwind for our family and I think we are just coming out of the fog now.

There are a few other things that seem to cause a bit of grief, however, I feel this could be an example of “good grief.” I have two teens and as sappy as it sounds, while I am thrilled they are older, mostly self sufficient and thriving, I do grieve for the years when they were little and cuddly and snuggly and just wanted to always hold our hands. I grieve the excitement and awe the kids had when we did something new or the look in their eye when we got to visit a familiar place and they remembered how special it was. There is a lot to be grateful for in these teen years, but I do find myself tearful at times when I remember my kids’ younger days.

I have noticed more in recent years, that I have been grieving the loss of or change in friendships. The changes can be a result of many factors. Time and distance can change a relationship. If your job changes, your work relationships change. When raising kids, as the kids grow and play sports or meet new people, you become friends with those parents because they are who you see more frequently. You may experience a change in a relationship if you or your friend have experienced personal growth and the things that once you kept you inseparable, no longer serve either of you well. I think this change has been the hardest on my heart, hands down.

While living our midlife years, experiencing loss of family members, or loss of an identity with a job shift, relationships changing and kids moving on, we may also feel loss or grief as our bodies change because of perimenopuase and menopause . There are things that become harder. Raise your hand if you fought the idea of reading glasses. Not only do I have to have readers, but hell, now I feel like I need hearing aids! And to think I was pissed off about losing muscle and gaining fat, what happens if I can’t hear Bon Jovi anymore? Does anyone else have to wear shoes in their house all the darn time because walking barefoot causes pain? I know I do.

While there are many wonderful things to celebrate about getting older, sometimes, aging can be sad and frustrating. Many of us feel a loss as there are things we can’t do or experience any longer. However, the alternative to aging is death, so I am going to happily accept grieving the few things that have become increasingly harder with age.

And finally, can we just own that many of us are grieving the loss of our collective past? Things are not back to normal like they were on March 12, 2020. They may never be “normal” again. We can sure try, but I do feel that there are so many things that will forever be changed. I know plenty of people who grieve over this change.

I share these things because it’s important for us all to connect and talk about these things. In our 40’s, 50’s and beyond, we go through a lot and I honestly feel that we don’t talk about a lot of things that affect us. Sometimes we may feel alone, but we have to recognize that we all have common life experiences that can affect us and my hope is that we can share this with one another.

Recently, I have been doing a lot of reading on topics about grief, emotions, and relationships, and I want to share an excerpt from Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart. In it, she explores some contributing factors to grief, and I found her breakdown to be really helpful: 

“Loss- While death and separation are tangible losses associated with grief, some of the particpatants described losses that are more difficult to identify or describe. These include the loss of normality, the loss of what could be, and the loss of what we thought we knew or understood about something or someone.

Longing-Related to loss is longing. Longing is not a conscious wanting; it’s an involuntary yearning for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, for the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what we’ve lost. Longing is a vital and important part of grief, yet many of us feel we need to keep our longing to ourselves for fear we will be misunderstood, perceived as engaging in magical or unrealistic thinking, or lacking in fortitude and resilience.

Feeling lost-Grief requires us to reorient every part of our physical, emotional and social worlds. When we imagine we need to do this, most of us picture the painful struggle to adjust to tangible change, such as someone dying or moving away.

The more difficult it is for us to articulate our experiences of loss, longing, and feeling lost to the people around us, the more disconnected and alone we feel.” (Excepted from pages 110-113).

The message I take home from this passage confirms my feeling that it is supremely important to be able to express our feelings of grief with others. 

It is natural to experience grief as we live and age, even with things that are meant to be celebrated. These emotions may be hard to describe and label, which can make us feel more overwhelmed. All of this is normal. What is important is that we have practices in place for us to manage our thoughts, feeling and emotions. A community of people to talk to, movement practices, and mindfulness practices (breathing and meditation), are just a few things we can do to help process grief. 

And "good grief," if you need help putting some healthy, healing practices in place, please reach out! That's what I'm here for.

What do you grieve? How do you cope? Do you have a circle of friends you can talk to about things?